Although some people don’t have kids because they hate them, being childfree doesn’t automatically mean you’re anti-child. If you love kids but don’t want any, you’re not alone. And if you’re tired of hearing “But you love kids! How could you not want to have them?” you’re in the right place.
So what’s wrong with you?
Are You A Selfish, Self-Entitled Millennial?
It’s gotten to the point where Millennials can’t sneeze without being called selfish and lazy. (Or accused of putting the tissue companies out of business by wiping their noses with toilet paper. But I digress.) So you’ve probably already heard that the reason we’re not having kids is, no surprise, because we’re just selfish and lazy.
I disagree. I think in most cases it’s because we’re just a bit more aware of ourselves and our options. You probably know more than a handful of Baby-Boomers and Gen Xers who are pretty selfish and lazy (if not downright hateful) as parents. They had children for incredibly selfish reasons. But the point is that they had kids. And since that’s what our society says you’re supposed to do, their selfishness is forgiven.
We live in a culture that glorifies parental self-gratification. No matter how selfish a reason is to have a child, if it results in a baby, the selfishness is excused. So it’s only when Millennials look at that and say, “Yeah, maybe it would be better not to have a child if I don’t think I’d be a good parent,” that things get uncomfortable.
It’ll take another article entirely to go into all the reasons that some parents feel angry and defensive around non-parents. So let’s just get back to the main point. You don’t want kids, but you do like kids. If it’s not because you’re selfish and lazy, then what is wrong with you?
Nothing’s Wrong with You
If your response to not wanting to have children is to not have children, then there’s nothing wrong. If you didn’t think you’d be a good parent and had them anyway, then you really would be being selfish. Now as to why you don’t want to have kids when you enjoy their company… that’s not too complicated.
It’s fine to like (or even love) something and not want to possess it. It’s similar to loving dogs, but choosing not to have one. There are plenty of good reasons for that, such as:
- you live in a small apartment and feel it’s not a good environment for a dog
- you know you don’t have the time to properly care for a dog
- you think you’ll resent having to get up in the middle of the night to let it out to pee
- you find dogs fun to play with, but you know you wouldn’t like the committment
- you think you’ll probably end up being the person who doesn’t clean up their dog’s poop
Basically, it’s for any reason you wouldn’t be able to give a dog the life it deserves. And if that informs your decision to not get a dog, kudos to you.
When It Comes to Kids
The same is true for having kids. There are dozens (maybe hundreds) of valid reasons you might love kids but don’t want any of your own. For instance, maybe you can’t afford children without relying on financial assistance from others. Or you have bad genes and feel it would be irresponsible to pass them on. For that matter, the fact that the earth is already over-populated might make having a child seem narcissistic.
Then there are even more compelling reasons. Maybe you aren’t certain you could love any child unconditionally. Perhaps you appreciate the fact that, just because you like kids doesn’t mean you’d make a good parent. And then there’s the most important reason of all: you simply have no reason that you actively want a child.
Regarding that last one, as I’ve said before, parenthood is a vocation. If you don’t feel called to it, then it’s not for you.
So if you love kids but don’t want any, you’re fine.
More than fine, actually. You have a huge advantage over all of the people who didn’t realize they didn’t want kids until after they had them. Provided you don’t bow to social pressure and have one anyway (Amy from we’re {not} having a baby! has something to say on this matter), you’ll be in good shape.
If you’re still worried that you’ll be missing out, or if you simply just don’t know what to say to your nagging relatives and co-workers, check out these other resources:
Top 5 Answers to “Why Don’t You Have Kids?”
How to Tell Your Parents You’re Childfree (without breaking their hearts)
While you’re at it, be sure to sign up for The American Spinster’s mailing list for ongoing support and information about the childfree lifestyle:
