So you’ve decided you like being single, but you’d also like to date. How can these two desires possibly co-exist? If you’re worried, don’t be. Dating as a solo woman is easier (and more fun) than you think.
If you’re here, you’re probably a happily single woman who wants to start dating. But how do you go about it? How do you find someone else who wants the same, atypical type of relationship you do? Living-apart-together couples are still pretty rare, and most people probably haven’t even heard the term. People who don’t have kids tend to want them, and those who have kids likely want a mother for them. What’s a decidedly solo woman to do?
The good news is, dating as a solo woman is not as difficult as you’re probably imagining. In her book, This Is The Story of a Happy Marriage, Ann Patchett remarks that a single woman who announces she wants to date but not settle down will become very popular. And I think you’ll find that’s true for you as well. A little planning, a little clarity, and a lot of honesty go a long way toward finding an ideal, solo relationship. When you implement the following strategies (and use the free, online dating profile guide available at the end of this post), you’ll probably find more than your fair share of potential partners.
1. Figure out what you want.
Are you looking for a pretty casual relationship? Do you want something with the potential for a long-term commitment, but without moving in, getting married, and buying a dog? Take at least ten minutes to sit down and write or type it out. If you’re dating online, keep that list handy when you’re crafting your profile.
2. Make your intentions known.
If you’re on a dating site, this is simple. Just include it in your profile (remember, there’s a free guide at the end of this post). If you’re starting to date someone you’ve met in real life, make sure you bring this up within the first few dates. You don’t need to bluntly say, “By the way, I don’t want to ever get married, but I do want our relationship to be monogamous and exclusive.” Let it be natural. If you’re talking about what got you back into the dating scene, say something like, “I’m really happy where I am in my life right now. I love flying solo, but I realized I also wanted to be part of a meaningful relationship.” Let that grow over the next few meetings.
Generally, people don’t want to feel like you’ve already plotted out your shared life, when they’re not even certain whether or not they want a relationship with you yet. But that information is vital to making that decision, so don’t hold it back.
3. Be clear throughout the relationship.
Remember that, no matter what your gender or stage of life, potential partners may always feel like you’re saying these things as a challenge. Quick – name a movie where the couple lives happily ever after in separate homes with separate finances. See what I mean? We’re trained to believe what everyone truly, deeply wants is a house with a white picket fence. So don’t be surprised if a few months down the road your boyfriend/girlfriend thinks you’ll be ready to change your mind.
If this happens, be clear. Don’t feel the need to “be polite” and give them a “maybe.” That’s just leading them on. If you know you want to stay solo, say so.
4. Know where you’re willing to compromise.
It may be that you’re willing to make a few compromises for The One. You may even find that you’d like to leave your solo life behind all together. If that’s what you truly want, that’s fine. But when dating as a solo woman, it’s helpful to know where you’re willing to negotiate before you start.
For instance, having a living-apart-together relationship might not be enough for your new/future partner. Would sharing a home ever be a possibility? Sharing finances? Decide what your sticking points are.
Note that as your relationship progresses, it’s completely fine if these things change. It’s simply helpful to have a baseline.
5. Have fun.
Step five could also just as easily be called, “Don’t lose sight of why you became single in the first place.” You’re a happily single woman – you date because it’s something you want to do, not because you need to find a mate. If ‘playing the dating game’ starts to make you unhappy, step back for a while. Re-focus on enjoying time with yourself. Then, when or if you feel ready, dive back in, and enjoy.
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