You’ve found yourself in the situation you never wanted to be in. Your partner wants kids. You don’t. Is there any way to save your relationship when only one of you is childfree?
What to Do When Your Partner Wants Kids
No matter where you are in your relationship, there are a few important rules of thumb when it comes to the topic of having children:
1. Never put this question off.
This is the sort of question that needs to be discussed long before things get serious. If you’re early in the relationship, bite the bullet and bring it up. If you’re already into your relationship and the topic has either never come up or your partner has changed their mind, now’s the time to have a sit-down talk.
2. Never, ever assume someone will change their mind.
I’ve read story after story where one partner says “okay” to not having kids, only to later reveal they assumed their partner would change their mind. It’s true that pressure may eventually wear a childfree person down, but this is a decision that should be made with total willingness.
3. Realize that sometimes people do change their minds.
Maybe you did have this discussion beforehand. Now you’re married and your partner has changed their mind. It’s easy to feel betrayed or tricked, and forced into a painful situation you did everything to avoid. But remember, people change their minds. As we grow, we’re bound to change in some ways. Try not to be angry with your partner for changing their mind on this important topic. Accept that this is where the two of you are now and work toward arriving at a mutually agreeable solution.
If You Aren’t Firmly Decided…
If you aren’t already 100% sure you don’t want kids, and this new development in your partner has you re-considering your previous stance, follow these next two steps:
4. Take a harsh look at what your life with kids will be like.
Now is not the time to put on rose-colored glasses and hope for the best. It is not the time to say, “well how bad could it be?” You’re talking about committing the rest of your life to something you don’t really want. Could this lead you to resent your partner? Google “how not to hate your husband after marriage” and marvel at how many pages of results you find under those specific keywords alone. Whatever you do, don’t underestimate how difficult it is to be a good and loving parent. Be realistic.
5. Remember who the victims will be.
No matter how much your partner wants children, remember that having a baby means creating a new life. If you have not been called to the vocation of parenthood, do not rely on some vague natural instincts to kick in. You’ve seen countless parents who don’t like or don’t properly care for their children. If instinct didn’t transform them into good parents, why do you think it will save you? All children deserve parents who want them above all else. Is it worth creating a new, unwanted human being to please your partner?
If You’re Still Childfree…
If you still feel that having children is not for you, but you want to continue your relationship, follow with these next few steps.
6. Sit down and talk it out.
Having children is still the default in our society. Make sure your partner has considered all of the implications of having children. Explain why you don’t want children, and ask them why they do. The very first step to finding a solution is understanding how you both feel.
7. Share your viewpoints.
Introduce your partner to online communities for the childfree, and ask them to consider your point of view as you consider theirs. And of course, listen to their reasons with an open heart and mind. If your partner wants kids, but can’t name any specific reasons why, don’t criticize them. Be loving, and understand that they were brought up with the mindset that having children is the normal, natural thing to do.
8. Be honest with one another.
Ending a relationship with someone you truly love may seem unthinkable. It can make anything, even having children you don’t want, seem like a better alternative to losing your partner. But don’t fall into the trap of saying what you think your partner wants to hear just to get them to stay.
Misleading your partner on such an important matter will only cause harm in the long run. Be honest, open, and loving with each other.
9. Consider compromises.
If you know that you will never want children, be clear about that. But also be open to the possibility of compromise. Find out what part of having children is most appealing to your partner. For instance, do they love kids? Do they want someone to carry on their name? Do they want to pass on what they’ve learned?
Once you understand what’s driving their desire for children, come up with a few compromises. For instance, you could both become mentors to an underprivileged child (did you know you can join Big Brothers Big Sisters as a couple?). Talk with them about what would help to meet that need in their life and if you can meet somewhere in the middle, do.
Is Our Relationship Over?
The cold truth is that sometimes this issue does lead to an inevitable break up. If you truly have genuine differences on this issue, it’ll probably lead to you living an unhappy life together or living contented lives apart. But don’t start dividing up your possessions yet. Sit with the matter for a good while. Continue discussing it – in the spirit of love and compassion – at intervals. Go back to your compromises.
Ajahn Brahm has said that it’s unwise to put the needs of your partner above your own. And that it’s equally unwise to put your own needs above those of your partner. Instead, he recommends putting the good of the relationship first. This represents both of you fully, and you’ll find you will never slight yourself or your partner if you view things through this lens.
If the result after all of your efforts to find a suitable compromise is that having children is as bad for the relationship as not having them, then it may be time to lovingly acknowledge the natural end of the relationship. But you may find that what’s best for the relationship is some compromise that leads to happiness for both of you.
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All images in this post are provided by Kaboompics.
