Relationships end for all kinds of reasons, but feeling unloved and disappointed are two of the biggest factors. Learn how to set healthy relationship expectations by seeing your relationships as assignments.
How Wrong Expectations End Relationships
All of our disappointments, disillusionment, and much of our suffering comes from our expectations. That’s especially true for relationships. When a romance doesn’t work out, it’s often – fundamentally – because one or both partners didn’t meet the other’s relationship expectations.
“He didn’t express his love often enough.”
“She wasn’t there for me when I needed her.”
“They didn’t support my interests.”
We had expectations (for showing love, providing companionship, and offering support) that weren’t met.
The idea isn’t to lower your expectations or accept genuinely hurtful behavior. It’s simply to change the way you think about relationships and what they’re ‘supposed to’ provide.
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Relationships Are Assignments
In her book, Spirit Junkie, Gabrielle Bernstein explains that relationships are assignments from God/the universe. She writes, “I quickly learned that each relationship we enter into offers us two options: to show up as two separate people looking for completion in one another; or to show up as two whole people coming together to enjoy their wholeness.”
The two-separate-people-looking-to-be-made-whole option makes for compelling romantic storytelling. I love reading and watching relationships like that in books and movies. (“She’s got gaps. I got gaps. Together, we fill gaps.”) But when it comes to living a fulfilling life and creating a sustainable relationship, it’s generally not so effective.
Bernstein goes on to say that, “if we waited until we were fully healed before we started a relationship, we’d put Match.com out of business.” She continues:
Therefore, we have to recognize relationships as assignments that will bring all our neuroses to the table.
Relationships at their best, their most fulfilling, their most holy, are a means by which we can grow and heal ourselves.
Speaking of Match.com, want to learn how to date as a solo woman?
What That Kind of Relationship Is Like
Of course, what that really means is that your ideal partner isn’t the one who will be perfectly supportive as they gently guide you through your issues. That’s a therapist. The ideal partner that God/the universe has in store is someone who will, as Bernstein says, dig up all your shit.
I want to take a moment to make sure I’m perfectly clear about this point. This does not mean your partner should be cruel, abusive, manipulative, or antagonistic. (If you aren’t sure if you’re in an abusive relationship, see PsychCentral’s guide.) It simply means that they’ll probably get under your skin and force you – indirectly and unintentionally – to face your previously hidden issues.
One common example, especially for people who are often single, is, “They don’t really value me.” Here’s what that usually means.
They make jokes that hit too close to home
I have insecurities I don’t want to look at, and their jokes bring those insecurities to the surface.
They don’t pay attention to me
I don’t feel worthwhile unless someone else sees me as worthy of their time.
They don’t respect my boundaries
I’m unwilling to respect or enforce my own boundaries, but I expect others to do that for me.
Again, these can be signs of a problematic partner (see 21 Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship). But we often choose to see them as signs the relationship has gone wrong, rather than signs that we need to address challenges in ourselves.
Why do we do this? It all comes back to our expectations.
Resetting Relationship Expectations
We expect our partners to complete us. Few of us go into a new relationship expecting our partner to be someone who will (often unintentionally) help us complete ourselves.
If you’re planning on getting into a relationship, or if you’re struggling to make the one you’re in work, consider taking the following steps.
- Think of your relationship like the hero’s journey. You will face trials. They will seem to be external trials (“my partner does/doesn’t do X”). But they will turn out to be internal trials (“I need to do/stop doing Y”). And when you’ve overcome them, you will be a stronger, more whole, and wiser person.
- Read Gabrielle Bernstein’s Spirit Junkie, or The Universe Has Your Back. Both books talk about relationships as assignments.
- Read this article if you’re unsure whether your partner is just rubbing you the wrong way, or being mentally/emotionally abusive.
If you choose to get into a relationship, do so with the knowledge that it will not be the answer to anything. Instead, it will be a means of ongoing self-development. It will feel uncomfortable some of the time. Your partner will brush up against your insecurities. And your response will have to be to look your issues in the face and deal with them head-on.
Are you in a living-apart-together relationship? Have you struggled with this issue? Share your experience in the comments below.
