Longtime readers know that I’ve been in a living apart together situation since before I started this blog. In fact, it was my revelation about the LAT lifestyle that led me to start this website in the first place. But somehow, I’ve never written a single article about it. In this post, I’m going to give you an overview of the living apart together lifestyle, including its pros and cons.
What is Living Apart Together?
Living apart together is exactly what it sounds like. Two people are in a relationship, but they live separately. This can include people who are:
- In a long-distance relationship
- Living nearby but in separate homes
- In a relationship but co-habitating with others
Living apart together couples can be married or legally unattached. Not everyone who lives together apart does so by choice, but the term LAT is most often applied to those who do. No two couples’ reasons are exactly the same. LAT is a broad term that covers a very wide range of relationships and reasons.
How I Started Living Apart Together
When I first met my LAT boyfriend, I held some pretty traditional beliefs about relationships. I was 25, and had never been in a long-term romance before. So, a couple months later, I was pretty perplexed to find out that he had no desire to move in with me. How could he be serious about me, and our relationship, if he didn’t plan to… you know… get serious about it?
After some honest discussions, I realized that it really wasn’t a reflection on me. He just didn’t want to live with anyone. Ever. Even me.
I was glad that he’d been so honest with me, but I really didn’t know how to take that information. Wasn’t that sort of thing a deal breaker in normal relationships? Weren’t relationships about sacrificing the perks of the single life?
The Appeal of Living Apart Together
I was wondering if I should stay in this relationship when I was out running errands one day. At the bank, I overheard a woman talking about her upcoming divorce, and how she was never going to get married or move in with anyone again. “Now I may have a boyfriend,” she’d told the teller, “But he’ll live at his house and I’ll live at mine. I’m not doing that again.”
After hearing her, I remembered just how many other times I’d heard women say similar things. Nearly every woman I knew who had a break up after 40 felt the same way. Slowly, something dawned over me. It was the idea that retaining an independent residence might not be a bad thing.
I had only been living on my own for a few months by this time (I’d always lived with roommates or family). And I was really loving it. Was the only reason I wanted to get married and move in because I thought I was supposed to?
The Benefits of Living Apart Together
After seven years of living on my own while in a committed relationship, I’ve discovered the following perks of the LAT lifestyle:
LAT allows individuals to have their own space for reflection and expression
In Spinster: Making A Life Of One’s Own, Kate Bolick writes of an early long-distance relationship, “The far-off security of a boyfriend was almost better than having him nearby.” She enjoys her solitude and her space for individual expression. This, in my experience, is the greatest boon living apart together has to offer.
It encourages downtime and prevents argument escalation
Many LAT couples also say that it helps their relationship. Ann Pachett, author of This Is The Story of a Happy Marriage, says that being able to go home to her own house and cool off after an argument saved her living apart together relationship. So many couples’ arguments come from simply spending too much time together. The regular time apart that an LAT lifestyle offers mitigates that.
It extends the “dating” and “honeymoon” stages indefinitely
One thing that most of my newly married or newly living together friends say is that they miss when they and their partners were dating. Even before having kids, living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed without getting to spend any real amount of quality time together takes a toll on the relationship. They talk about how difficult it is to get excited to see their partner at the end of a long day, and how disappointed they feel crawling into bed to get a few hours’ sleep before tomorrow’s alarm goes off.
These friends didn’t start working more hours when they moved in together. They actually had more free time, since they didn’t need to make time to see their partner on their days off. And, though I don’t have any stats to back this up, my hypothesis is that that’s the problem.
Scheduling time to see my partner is sometimes stressful. But when we’re together, we’re each other’s only priority. I think it’s better than being physically near each other every day but mentally distant. We have quality, not quantity, time.
Whatever the specifics, living-apart-together is a growing trend.
The Cons of Living Apart Together
Of course, living apart together isn’t all roses and sunshine. There are definite trade-offs with the traditional white picket fence lifestyle. For instance:
Living as a single person is expensive
Couples living together can combine their assets, cutting rent and Netflix bills in half and decreasing costs on utilities. LAT couples have all the same expenses as single people living on their own (unless they choose to share a Netflix account, of course).
The LAT lifestyle is unusual
When you’re in a living apart together relationship, you’ve got a lotta esplainin’ to do. Friends, family, and coworkers will constantly ask you when you’re going to get married. I’ve seen so many people quickly try to cover their shock with an expression of polite interest when they find out my boyfriend and I have been dating for seven years and still aren’t living together.
It can be lonely
This, I believe, is partially due to the feelings of weirdness that come from living an atypical lifestyle. But it can also come directly from the LAT lifestyle itself. The other side of having space for solitude and downtime is that there’s no one on-hand whenever you need little hug.
Is Living Apart Together Right for You?
Clearly, living apart together isn’t for every couple. But, for some couples, it provides a healthy way to be part of a relationship without needlessly sacrificing their beloved solitude. What are your thoughts? Do you have any questions about the LAT lifestyle I didn’t cover here? Let me know in the comments below.
