Even the most contentedly introverted among us feels lonely at times. As a solo woman—someone who sees herself as happily single—it’s easy to feel like loneliness is a symptom of defeat, failure to love your single life. But there’s nothing wrong with being lonely and single. Loneliness is a normal, human emotion, even for the happiest solo woman.
Unless your feelings of loneliness are persistent and affecting your daily life, they’re probably not cause to doubt your lifestyle. Just as feeling occasionally angry or sad wouldn’t make you second-guess your career. Here’s how to deal with being lonely and single as a solo woman.
1. Acknowledge and accept the feeling.
Remember that it’s perfectly okay to feel lonesome sometimes. We live in a world that sees feeling lonely as a sign that something is deeply wrong and needs to be righted immediately (this is especially true if you’re lonely and single). Worse, the media we consume usually says that we can get rid of those frightening lonely feelings by finding a partner. Both of these beliefs are wrong. It’s okay to be lonely, and having a loving partner won’t keep you from feeling lonely in the future.
Loneliness simply signifies a need, just like hunger. And you wouldn’t expect to never feel hunger just because you bought a fridge.
2. Figure out why you’re lonely.
What’s causing you to feel lonely? For myself, loneliness normally comes from one of two sources. Either I really want to communicate with someone and have no one around, or I’ve tried to communicate with someone and they either didn’t listen or didn’t understand. In either of these situations, my oasis of solitude can like a prison room at the top of a tower.
It may be entirely different for you. Take a few moments to look within and find out why you’re feeling lonely. Then acknowledge that reason. For me, this goes like, “I tried to explain my feelings to my best friend, and she didn’t understand. Now I look around my home and it feels empty and lacking.”
3. Believe that your feelings are okay.
Remember, feeling lonely while single doesn’t mean you’re not a strong, solo woman. It just means you need social interaction like every other healthy human being. Our parents, society, and popular culture have trained us to believe that the first flutterings of loneliness are heralds to the loneliness apocalypse (loneli-pocalypse?), and we’d better change our ways lest we end up forever alone.
You wouldn’t believe you had a digestive problem every time you felt hunger, would you? Of course not. Because we understand that hunger signifies a normal need, not an unfulfilled life. In the same way, occasionally feeling lonely means you need some social interaction, not a total lifestyle overhaul.
4. Either let the feeling pass, or adjust your thinking.
Sometimes, you just need to let yourself feel lonely. If you’re in a situation where talking to someone at that moment isn’t an option, or if you’re feeling sad from being ignored or misunderstood, it’s okay to feel lonely. Remind yourself that this feeling is fine, and that it will pass.
You can also examine your situation from a more helpful point of view. In my case, I’d say to myself, “Having one poor conversation doesn’t mean that things are hopeless and that my life is lacking.” Getting rid of that feeling that the loneli-pocalypse is upon me usually makes everything seem better.
5. Do something.
You don’t want your response to the first few pangs of loneliness to be to run out into the world and search for someone to get rid of this feeling. Being lonely and single is fine, and it’s vital to accept that. Trust me, it’ll save you from some panicked (and therefore bad) decisions. To compare loneliness to hunger again, when you felt your stomach rumble, you wouldn’t drop whatever you’re doing and shove the first piece of food you found into your mouth just to avoid feeling hungry for a few moments, would you? Of course not. You know that hunger doesn’t mean something’s wrong, and most of us can sit with hunger for a few minutes without fearing that we’ll starve to death. Loneliness is the same way.
Having said that, once you’ve accepted your feelings, do something about them. As I said earlier, loneliness signifies a need for social interaction. If you’re in a situation where you can call a friend or go out for coffee, go ahead. If not, find some other way to meet that need.
When I’m feeling lonely due to feeling ignored or misunderstood, I’ve found it very helpful to write. Not only is this productive (making me feel accomplished), it helps to alleviate the source of my loneliness. When I write a blog and post it, my readers read it. Someone’s hearing me after all. What I write doesn’t even have to be related to what I wanted to express to that other person. Sometimes I just want to feel heard.
Just remember that being lonely and single doesn’t mean something is wrong or that the solo lifestyle isn’t for you. Don’t over-think yourself into a panic. It’s okay to feel lonely now and then.
When is being lonely and single a sign of something more serious?
Of course, the solo lifestyle isn’t for everyone. How do you know if it’s for you? Just remember that the “cure” for loneliness isn’t a partner. If you’re feeling lonely more often than you think you should, it’s probably best to work on your own social interactions with others instead of pretending that binding another person to you will fix things.
Seek out a partner if you believe being in a relationship would help you live your best life, not because you’re afraid of feeling lonely.
What do you think? Is it perfectly normal for people to feel lonely, no matter how happy their lives are? Let me know in the comments below.
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I am married and quite lonely at the moment as my partner is busy starting a new business. Maybe it is changing relationships that cause a feeling of doubt and therefore loneliness? I find centering activities like yoga or gardening help. Just to put the focus back on my life.