Childfree Myth #1: Not having children is selfish, so having children is unselfish.
The idea that parents are unselfish simply because they have kids is pretty nonsensical. Some parents are genuinely selfless people, but popping out or adopting a baby doesn’t make them so.
If we look at this realistically, people sometimes have very selfish reasons for having children. Reasons like, “I want to be a mom,” or “I just love kids,” are fine and good, if you can—and do—take care of your children. You might say the selfishness of having kids for your own sake is cancelled out by the selflessness of actually providing for them. Then of course there are the more obviously selfish reasons, such as “It’ll help my marriage,” or, of course, “He’ll marry me/stop cheating on me if I get pregnant.” I don’t think I need to elaborate on why these are terrible reasons to have children.
Having children doesn’t make someone a good or selfless person, so choosing not to have kids doesn’t automatically make someone selfish.
Childfree Myth #2: Childfree people are selfish for acknowledging their limits.
Once, in my church-going days, I listened to a pastor’s sermon on birth control. At the end of his sermon, during which he noted that that children are sometimes a blessing (Proverbs 17:6) and sometimes not (Luke 23:29), he said “It’s alright to use contraceptives, as long as you don’t do so for selfish reasons.”
It’s a reasonable statement, but his idea of “selfish reasons” is not my own.
If someone doesn’t want the “bother” of having a child, that’s exactly the sort of person who shouldn’t have a child. That’s not selfishness, that’s responsibility. It’s important for young couples to see that having a child isn’t all about attention, cute clothes, and sweet-smelling baby. We should applaud people who realize that being a parent is a vocation, a full-time, lifetime, till-death-do-us-part commitment, and can acknowledge that they’re not up for that challenge.
Praise the childfree people who choose not to have kids at least as much as you condemn neglectful parents.
Childfree Myth #3: Childfree people are selfish for spending their money on themselves
I’ll be the first one to say that it’s important to spend money responsibly and consider the needs of others, both within one’s own community and outside of it. I think a lot of Americans over-consume. But I also think we should be avoid the allure of martyrdom whenever possible.
Clearly, if a parent regularly leaves their child to go clubbing, globe-trotting, or vacationing, they’re probably exhibiting selfish behavior. Likewise, it’s selfish for a parent to buy new clothes and electronics without providing for the needs of their child. But that doesn’t mean that parents don’t deserve to have fun or nice things. The financial strain that comes from having children can require parents to go without, but it shouldn’t.
For childfree people, going clubbing and globe-trotting is not selfish. I’m not saying it’s wrong to criticize over-consumption and reckless spending. I’m simply saying you can’t neglect a child you don’t have.
So, if you’ve been worried that choosing not to have kids makes you selfish, you can relax. Choosing the childfree lifestyle is often a responsible decision. If you’d like to learn more about how you can create a fulfilling life as a childfree person, including giving back to your community, check out my series on How to Have a Meaningful Life Without Kids.
